Memories
by xoxonessie
Summary: Ziva & Ari. Ziva shares some memories about her brother to Tony.


I don't really know where that came from, probably from my overtired brain. I just know that I've wanted to write something about Ziva and Ari in a long time. So here it is. Don't judge, it was written in the spur of the moment and it's unbetaed.

For the last part, I was inspired by scenes from the movie_"Io non ho paura"_because the children made me think of Ziva and Ari. XD

As for the joke, I learnt them during the duck tour I did in Boston. It's very lame but I've never laughed so much at a joke in my whole life.

Takes place after _"A man walks into a bar…"_ so spoilers for that episode.

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><p>"He was not always like that you know..."<p>

The confession came so abruptly that she herself was surprised to hear the words roll off her tongue. For a minute, she could not even remember how the conversation had started in the first place. Then it all came back: Dr Cranston. Kate's sister. Painful memories that invaded her mind a little too quickly for her liking. And inevitably, Ari.

_Ari._

She knew she should probably not have brought up his name. She knew it would lead to awkward silences and the sudden need to run far away from everything and everyone. But she could not keep it to herself. After 8 years of carefully avoiding the taboo subject he had become, she just could not stop his name from escaping her mouth.

Tony was now looking at her, she could feel his gaze on her. She knew that if she turned her head, she would see a strange mixture of shock, surprise and maybe even a tiny hint of curiosity on her partner's face. She could not look at him though; if she did, she was not sure she would have the strength to go on with that conversation. Kate's death - and Ari - had never been the kind of topic they were particularly fond of. As a matter of fact, she was almost 100% positive they had never discussed it at all. They were both aware that this was something that would just bring more pain and tension to their already more than complicated story and they were both clever enough not to ever try and verify whether their theory was right.

She had felt the air around them get thicker by the second the words had left her mouth. She had to say something now, she knew he was waiting for her to go on, patiently, silently, and he was almost intimidating that way.

Ziva took a deep breath and kept her eyes on her shoes when she started talking again.

"You have only known the killer in him, the monster my father had created. But there was a time..." She closed her eyes and took another deep breath. "There was a time when he was just a... a brother. He was _my_ brother and I... "

She sighed and finally turned her head, suddenly acknowledging the fact that maybe talking about that was not the best idea she had had. To her surprise, Tony was watching her with an intensity she had rarely seen in his look. She could not read the strange expression he was wearing at that moment but whatever it was, it encouraged her to continue.

"He was a good brother to me you know. He would take care of me when I was not feeling well and he would make me laugh when I was sad. He knew a lot of good jokes. Believe it or not, he was very funny."

Ziva couldn't help but smile at the memories that were now filling her brain. Tony must have noticed because she saw him shift his position next to her. She knew it must be hard for him to hear what she was saying and that he probably did not care much about how sweet and light-hearted Ari had once been considering all the pain and suffering he had brought to the team but, for some reason, she felt like she needed Tony to know that there was once something good in her brother.

She was not expecting him to say anything but she was a little confused and disappointed that he didn't anyway. He kept on looking at her as if she was speaking another language and she was starting to get slightly irritated by his passiveness. Her voice had a rough edge and her words were a little harsher than before when she talked again.

"I know this is not exactly what you want to hear and I know this will not change your opinion of him, but I just wanted you to know that people are not born monsters, they are made so because of someone else's actions. It was the case for my brother. I know it is not an excuse for what he did to you, to Kate, I am not defending him, his actions were indefensible. I am just saying that he..."

She swallowed back the angry, frustrated tears that were threatening to fall and her tone softened.

"... He once was the most important person in my life Tony, the person I trusted the most and maybe I just want you to know all this because you are this person now and... I don't know, I just..."

She was struggling so hard not to break down that she didn't even notice the tear that escaped one of her eyes.

"I mean, if I can't tell you all this, who am I going to tell?" She was begging him to understand with her eyes and she felt a little pathetic for doing so.

Tony turned his head and looked down for a moment, sighing. Jeez! Why was he so silent for once that she needed him to say something? Hurt and angry, she got up and started to walk away, determinated not to cry in front of him.

"When you say he was very funny, you mean funnier than me?"

She could have sworn her heart missed a few beats. She turned around and looked at her partner who was still sitting on the bench outside their office building, waiting for her to answer his question, a very serious look on his face. Yet she could see the apologetic smile in his eyes and she released the breath she didn't even know she was holding.

Slowly, as if to give him time to change his mind, she walked back to the bench and sat down next to him. He was now looking at her with a whole new tenderness and a gentle smile on his lips.

"So?" he asked with raised eyebrows and a playful glint in his green eyes.

Ziva bit her bottom lip while she pondered whether it was real interest or simple polite pity. But when she saw the childish expecting look on his face, she decided to play along and forget about how potentially deadly this conversation could turn for as far as their already poorly-balanced relationship was concerned.

"Do you want to know my favorite joke that I learnt from him?" she asked a little sheepishly.

"Sure. Joke ahead." He said as he straightened on the bench as if to get better focus.

"Alright then. Why do lobsters never share their food?" she asked seriously.

"Really?" The look of genuine disbelief written all over his face almost made her laugh out loud.

"We were children Tony. What did you expect?" she offered as an excuse. "So?"

"I have no idea Zee-vah"he said with a shrug and the hint of a mocking tone in his voice. She could not tell if he really had no idea or if he was just humouring her, giving her the opportunity to answer the joke and be the carefree little girl she had been a long time ago once again but she decided to take the bait.

"Well, that's because they're shellfish." she said proudly, a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth while waiting for his reaction.

"Dear God..." he brought his palm to his face in fake despair and she laughed.

She laughed the same laugh she used to laugh when Ari told her a new joke or when he was riding his bike, carrying her on the back carrier as they crossed the wheat fields. Closing her eyes, she could still feel the warm, dry wind whipping her face, passing through her hair and making her flowery dress wave in the air behind her. She could feel her brother's strong shoulders under her little hands, holding onto him, knowing she could not fall for as long as she did so. She could see his smile, hear his voice, feel his bigger hand in hers as they walked back home, feeling safe and loved.

And at that moment, for the first time in years, she let the tears fall freely from her closed eyes. She cried for her brother and for herself. She cried for a time when everything seemed easy and light. She cried for all the times she had forbidden herself to remember for fear of the shame and the pain. She cried because she suddenly realized that maybe, just maybe, memories did not always have to hurt after all.


End file.
